Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Frenemies

Hard work through commitment and action creates friendships. Friendships are an in-depth relationship combing trust, support, loyalty, understanding, empathy, intimacy and most of all communication, which is the key ingredient.

Sadly, a friendship I cherished very much has come to an abrupt and bitter end. I will miss it very much. My goal was to grow it for a lifetime. Unfortunately, poor communication and a lack of loyalty made it perish. Other factors included selfishness, double standards and neediness.

I am a firm believer in it takes two to make a friendship work and two to make it fall apart. However, if one plants a seed of disloyalty, then that individual stands alone and must wear a scarlet letter. The action perpetrated is nothing less than manipulation, which I loathe.

I must admit I placed this individual on a pedestal. This person is a psychologist, and I expected more when it came to our communication. However, I was wrong because we are both human with the ability to feel anger, humiliation and sadness. I still remain perplexed by this individual’s double standards and need of self-loathing. I am discouraged by the need to fix the world instead of fixing thyself first.

Within a short period of time I have arrived at the realization that this person is a frenemy, an enemy disguised as a friend.

Many of us think our relationships can be easily categorized into coworker, friend, acquaintance, lover, etc. This might be the case for many, however, there are some relationships that are complex and indefinable as the human beings who create them, thus enters the word “FRENEMY.”

Frenemy tells us that not all friendships are friendly, nor are they as simple as they seem on the surface, especially when manipulation and disloyalty come into play. Recognizing friend from foe is a no brainer. However, when it comes to recognizing friend from frenemy, things become a little trickier. I can still see the greatest in these individuals, but being around them becomes a drain because it stifles my ability to be a better person. Condoning another person’s ignorance is the worst thing you can do to yourself and will only lead to low self-esteem and denial. My frenemy is very much in denial, which explains the mini meltdowns.

To you, my one time friend, you might have knowledge, but I have experience and wisdom. I don’t talk about what I don’t know. I know we set out on a course of loyalty and honesty, which you struck at the core on two different occasions. I hope you won’t do it again. I don’t deserve this action because I have done nothing to hurt you. I believe in you very much, but know that you will never succeed fully without surrendering to yourself first. You cannot walk the earth constantly looking for validation in others. Your need to share your stories of pain and disparity with everyone is toxic. Learn to share selected information, and with the right person. Not doing so is one of the biggest mistakes we all make in life. We take a random person and unload ourselves, and when we don’t receive the desirable outcome we move on to the next, and the next, etc… There is nothing wrong with sharing and having different sounding boards, but be frugal and pair the right information with the right person. Furthermore, don’t talk to an individual who is only going to say what you want to hear.

I’ve learned so much from you, and with that I say thank you from the deepest part of my soul. You have a sweet and relentless personality, which more often than not has been a breath of fresh air. However, you inability to hug tells me so much, as well as your need for approval. It saddens me. Furthermore, your denial of love tells me just how damaged certain aspects of your life are. One day, love is going to find you, and when it does you will be made whole. Those who are like you, negative about love, are really deep down inside yearning for it. I’ve never spoken anything more true.

On a more personal note, stay true to your goals, practicing hugging and learning how to love. Don’t spend a lifetime helping others if you can’t help yourself.

Regardless of being frenemies, I choose to take the first part of that word and say the conversations we’ve shared during our friendship remain with me and I hope mine remain with you. They were ours not others’.

Dear Reader, if I could leave behind one piece of advice it would be when someone is making you very angry love them more than anything else in the world. You don't have to like what they are or even the person they have become. You don’t have to be in contact with them ever again. But when you love you are winning yourself back over from all the nastiness in life. - paerki

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

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